It's that time when the weather get's cold, the children get excited.  This year, I don't know how I feel about it.  I've been told over and over, it was his favorite season.  I think that makes it worse. The music, the laughter, the colors, the lights, the excitement weighs heavy in my heart.  Last year was the ONLY year he was home and not at the hospital.  If I only knew that a month later he would be gone for ever....

I know I need to decorate, I know the lights need to be placed, I know the holidays will come no matter how much I'm not wanting them too.  

But understand, my heart is broken, things are different, and I don't like it......right now.